The Ultimate Cross-Training Weekend

There comes a time in every wannabe athelete's carrier where it all comes together. The penultimate point in space and time where all of sports academia meets execution. This weekend was no such marriage.

The following outlines a highly designed, researched and effective method for cross-training as peformed by one amatuer, not to mention any names, this past weekend. Optimal target goals for maltodextrin, fructose, electrolyte, amino acids and maximum water uptake were calculated versus the execution of three forms of exercise prescribed over specific durations and intensity. The expected outcome for the participant's body was expected to be complete draw-down, without the experience of too much pain, suffering and otherwise unglamorous, outward physical, and apprently mental, appearance.

Day One: Start the day off right with a nice fried agg and cheese sandwich, washing down the wholesome goodness with a latte, as any urbanite would do on any given day. Follow this with a nice quart of water to rehydrate and prepare for the day ahead. Next, shovel out 1.25 yards (1.75 tons) of soil in your backyard and spread across new tiered landscaped area nearby. Be sure to stay on a steady, moderately-paced effort with no breaks. Next, trim an overgrown Lilac hedgerow, remove all of the existing landscaping and plants in the new yard area and load all the biomass into a truck and unload it at a local compost/mulch yard. Follow this, with no more than a 10 minute rest (best taken in-transit) by getting 1.25 yards of sand loaded into the truck. Bring truck back to the house. Next, build, in 2 hours or less, a cedar sand-box permimeter around the previously excavated hole. Quickly ingest a sandwich, 2-3 cookies and more water being sure not to rest for more than 15 minutes. Next, transfer the entire 1.25 yards (1.75 tons) of sand from the truck, via two 5-gallon buckets (60 lbs each) each trip, into the sandbox. Be sure to not move the pallet of new landscaping materials that are in your way, making the 25 foot distance awkward and mentally-challenging. The entire day should take about 10 hours with two quick breaks that should simulate an Ultramarathon's aid station maximum time commitment. Congratulations, you are now ready for a quick shower, dinner and sleep.

Day Two: Sleep in, you desreve it. Casually saunter to your local sport climbing crag alone and hook up with friends for a short day of intense climbing. Start out by leading an 11a for warmup. Then move on to an 11d...feel free to fall once. After completing the route, lower to the ground, belay a friend on it, then Red Point the route on what should be your 3rd try overall. Cool down on a 10b and eat a banana, some gel and finish off your quart of water. Mix a new quart of water with Electrolyte sports drink and drink this while driving home. Get home, eat one small piece of frozen pizza (cooking it is optional) and head out for a 14 mile run with 2 quarts of water in your backpack. Never mind the fact that your legs are so stiff and tired from the earth moving portion of your workout that you have a hard time getting out of the car. Make it to the 7 mile turnaround point and put your head down and keep moving. Get to mile 10 and start counting down by half miles to keep yourself motivated. Get to 2 miles from the finish and listen for someone groaning behind you...NOTE: you may come to realize its actually you. Get to the end being sure to leave yourself 1.5 miles short of your 14 mile goal. This will be the mental coping training portion of your weekend. Turn around and head 0.75 miles back up the trail again and turn around and head back to the finish. At this point you may want to count down in 0.10 mile increments to keep your legs moving. Be sure to have a few windfallen trees to try and get over as your legs will appreciate the extra effort of having to be lifted, by hand, over them.

Complete your weekend's efforts with a quart of recovery drink followed by popcorn or anything else your body will actually accept at this point.

NOTE: It is recommended that you take the day off from work the following day.